Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
