I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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