We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
