I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
