question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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