The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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