Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
