WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
