Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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