Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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