We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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