He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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