Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
