Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
