now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
