I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We don't watch enough power rangers
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
