Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
