i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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