Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
