I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.