It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?