I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
bring money and cleavage
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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