I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just found puke in my bra..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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