You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
