i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
only you would photoshop your dick
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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