I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
