So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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