1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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