Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Randomize
