Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I supernannyed him into submission
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
