paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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