So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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