Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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