I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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