If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
