the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize