Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
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What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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