yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
