HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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