im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today