you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.