Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
