My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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