I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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