...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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