Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
