hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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