If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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