I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
