you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
