I wish my penis had an off switch
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
