phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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