That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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