I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
