It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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