I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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