My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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