HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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